Lift up Your Arms Now
by 26Rye J
Summary: Having learned from Buffy's struggles, Angel decides to take control of his destiny, but the Powers that Be aren't easily ignored. (Final part of the I Have Loved You Wrong series).
1. Chapter 1: Never Have to Fade

**This story is the final part after ****_Your Heart Still in It_**** in the ****_I Have Loved You Wrong series._**** It's all one big story that I've broken up into manageable chunks. Thank you for all your patience as I try to put into words what I've imagined for so long. **

**Chapter 1: ****Never Have to Fade**

_Angel clutched the passenger door. "I don't think this was such a great idea."_

_Buffy looked away from the road. "Do you trust me?"_

_"With my life," he gulped, "- not my car."_

_"Are you saying this car is more valuable than you?"_

_"Much."_

_"Calm down." She weaved passed another car on the freeway. "I know how to drive."_

_"No, you don't." His knuckles paled. "which is why you're supposedly allowing me to teach you."_

_"I thought I was here to help you kill time before your meet with Gunn."_

_"Let's hope that's the only thing you kill today."_

_Cars honked as she changed lanes without signaling. "We both were getting tired of the beach stroll, swinging bench routine."_

_Feeling his stomach roll, he shrugged. "I'm trying to wean myself off the brooding."_

_"This environment is certainly not conducive to brood face."_

_"Slow down."_

_"You like going fast - it's why you bought a convertible: so you could_ feel _the speed."_

_"Were you always this big of pain in the - Buffy look out!"_

_She pulled the emergency brakes and swung around so the car faced the other direction._

_The highway was completely empty._

_He looked over to find her watching him. "You're never going to stop loving me." Her toneless voice said it like a fact._

_He huffed, "God knows why."_

_She smirked. "I do too."_

_"And why's that?"_

_"Because I-"_

Angel woke up with a start to the sound of screaming. He sat up off the couch and categorized the sounds as non-emergency. It signaled merely an escalation of teenage bickering. Wiping his eyes, he stood up and stretched looking around the office mindlessly.

His eyes caught on a photo. It sat framed on one of the bookcase shelves. He scanned the surrounding books and knickknacks unable to tell which blonde had gathered them.

Stepping closer, he focused on the group photo. It looked older and the familiar faces looked happy.

"It hurts to see sometimes," Lilly said from the doorway. "But I can't bring myself to put it away."

He didn't turn around. "Must be special; it's the only photo here."

"For a lot of them, it's the only photo we have."

He reached out and touched the glass. "Her wedding?"

"The reception." Lilly came to stand beside him. "We had it in the backyard, the ceremony too."

Buffy's knee length dress and Lindsey's lack of tie told him it had been a casual event.

"Who are the men?"

Lilly squinted at the faces. "Lindsey's brothers, the mechanic and the minister. One was the best man and the other married them." She smiled slightly. "Anne and Linds looked forward to moving closer, raising families together. "

"She didn't keep in touch." It wasn't a question.

Lilly scowled, "You think his bosses leave loose ends like that?

"No." Surveying the photo, he pointed to another face. "Is that Gunn's sister?"

"Alanna." Lilly nodded at the happy girl and boy in the photo. "She was a bridesmaid; Sunny was a groomsman. That's the happiest I ever saw them." The pair wore big goofy grins. "It really was a perfect day. Just what a wedding should be, you know? Everyone you love coming together." She wiped her face to keep from crying. "It's just me and Gunn now."

Stepping back, his tone turned defensive, "He asked me to meet him here."

She nodded emotionally. "There's something a few blocks away. He's just driving Hannah back from her community service."

"We'll take care of it."

She turned back to the door.

"Lilly," He met her eyes. "At least you and Gunn have each other."

"You lose enough people and you stop thinking in forevers." She fiddled with her necklace. " Gunn and I get that whatever we're doing has an expiration date."

"That's the dark side of immortality: you can't enjoy anything without predicting its destruction."

She looked passed him to the picture of smiling faces. "That was such a good day. I like to think that somewhere it's still happening." Her face scrunched and twitched in an effort to hold back tears. "At least in the picture, the smiles never have to fade."

They both stared at the photo a moment longer.

Shaking her head, she took in a calming breath. "Let me know if you need anything."

She left him alone with a piece of Buffy's past. He didn't know whether to feel grateful or hurt. Buffy had never smiled at him the way she smiled in the photo, and wherever she was, she'd lost any reason to smile.

One of the reasons he loved her, though, was because no matter how much she lost, she still found things to hold on to. Wherever she was, he hoped she'd found a reason to smile again.

* * *

By the time he returned to home, morning had started lightening the sky. Opening the hotel's front door, Angel walked under an engraved sign:

**_Sanctuary Shelter_**

**_No One Belongs, but Everyone's Welcome._**

Walking further into the lobby, he heard quiet laughter from the kitchen. Most of the kids were asleep but there were some early birds in the bunch. Angel passed Wesley and Fred by the front desk. From her blush, he assumed flirting was going on. Angel picked up the sign in sheet.

Wesley straightened, "Everything go alright with Gunn?"

"Easy job." The kids' names were written next to the time the time they came in last night.

Seeing him, Fred startled, "Angel, I didn't see there. Did you use the sewers again? Because I didn't hear a peep of entering noise."

"Used the front doors Fred."

She blushed again. "Right, because you like that now -normal ways and all." She watched him frown. "Indeedy, Dan came in late again."

He nodded. It didn't surprise him. Dan had been pushing the limits a lot lately. Wesley took the duffel bag of weapons from him. "I'll lock these up."

As Wes walked away, Fred jumped, "Oh! and you have a visitor. Your fighting friend? Wesley doesn't like her but said it was alright that I let her wait in the yard." Fred followed him across the lobby. "At first, I was scared by the stake in her pocket, but I figured the kids couldn't see her there and she really wanted to see you - but not in a 'I-want-to-stake-you' kind of way-"

"Fred," Angel turned to face her and she nearly bumped into him. "It's alright. I understand why Wesley wouldn't want to see her, but I do." He pushed her glasses back up her nose. "I'm glad you let her in." When she nodded, he stepped back. "When Dan wakes up, let him know I want to see him in my office. We'll talk about his chores list and privileges."

She smiled, nodded and walked back to the front desk. Angel turned and headed out to the backyard. Sure enough, small and brunette, his old friend stood with her back to the door.

"Faith?"

Even in all her leathers, the girl managed to move silently. "Sorry big buy, but really good guess." She turned.

"Buffy."

She smiled with such joy. "Angel." She approached him and he stepped forward too. Immediately, she reached up for a tight hug.

Leaning down, he wrapped his arms around her firmly. Breathing her in, he couldn't believe he ever mistook her scent. He pushed his face into her hair where neck met shoulder. Her hand caressed his head and he pressed firm kiss to the crook of her neck.

"I'm glad you're glad to see me." She breathed him in too. "I thought you might be mad at me."

He held all of her warmth more tightly to him. "I'm furious with you. That's the cruelest thing you've ever done."

Closing her eyes, she savored his touch. "I missed you too - so much."

Without releasing her, he stepped back. "Are you okay? Are you here for help with something?"

She shook her head with glassy eyes. "No. I'm good. I had something to take care of in LA, but I couldn't leave without seeing you."

Nodding, he ran her hair through his fingers. "How long were you here?"

"Only a day or so. Faith called me." She lay her hands on his chest. "Spike's chip wasn't working right and she worried it might kill him."

He frowned in confusion. "So she called you."

"Giles and Willow are in England doing watcher things and apparently, Xander hasn't hopped on the Spike wagon." She sighed. "Faith panicked. I told her I'd meet them in LA and called the doctor who operated on my mom. Back then, Wesley said he was so good even the council used him, so I pretended to be Faith's watcher and convinced him to remove Spike's chip." While she talked, Buffy kept staring at different parts of his face as if committing them to memory.

"That still doesn't explain why you look like Faith."

She tensed and stood back. She looked up at the hotel. "I didn't expect this." Voice floated to them from inside. "You took in my kids."

His eyes wouldn't look away from her. "They're important to you."

Her eyes found his. "You're important to me too. I hope you know that."

"You're leaving again."

She nodded, "Now."

The word pierced his chest making everything in him tighten. Even his vision dimmed from the pain. "But you just. . ."

"Like you said, I have responsibilities I can't ignore." She smiled sadly. "You were right."

"Buffy."

Sunlight started to fill the garden. If she took a few steps back she'd be covered in it. She'd go where he couldn't follow.

"I know it was selfish to come here, but it would have been more selfish to stay away. You took such good care of me, you deserve to see me doing well." She held his hand. "And I am. I am doing really well."

He scanned her clear, focused green eyes. "I see that."

She squeezed his hand. "I didn't want you worrying about me." Her eyes looked soft and loving. "When you think of me, remember me like this, okay?"

"I won't forget the leather pants."

She chuckled breathlessly. "Good. That's good."

He chuckled too.

They smiled at each other with a world of love their eyes.

She looked back at the hotel. Through the glass doors, she saw kids getting ready for school. "No one could love me better." She squeezed his hand again. "You deserved more." Her eyes glistened. "I'm sorry I can't give it to you."

The way she said that made him think she was just as sorry for herself as she was for him. She wanted to stay.

"Buffy-" Before he could say more, he felt her pull him down for a kiss.

His whole mind became overwhelmed by the soft hand on his cheek, her body heat warming him, and gentle lips caressing his like silk.

It wasn't until air replaced her body in front of him that he registered what she'd said: a whispered, "Goodbye."

With the same slayer speed she'd used to kiss him, she walked into the sunlight and disappeared around the corner . . . without even a glance back.

* * *

**My apologies but it might be a little while before I make progress on this. I've just started a new job and it requires a lot of my focus. **

**In the meantime, I'd love to hear what you think so far - of the story, of the series. Did things happen you didn't want to happen? Did things happen you didn't expect? What did you hate? What did you love?**

**Reading your reviews inspires me to do better and keep raising the standard on what "better" is.**


	2. Chapter 2: Love isn't Words

**I've returned to this sorry sooner than I expected and the credit for that goes to BADWOLF22. She edited this chapter and the few after. She kept me accountable and I couldn't be happier with what this portion of the series has in store. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Love isn't Words**

"So now you're bailing on shelter duty too?" Cordelia glared at the filling suitcase. "Did you learn this from her or was it the other way around?"

"This is something I have to do in person." He looked at her. "She could be there, Cordelia. It's the only thing that makes sense."

"I still can't picture slayer-hen in tramp-ware."

"She's hoping if she goes to the hellmouth looking like Faith, then word won't spread about her return."

"She's hiding from the council." Cordelia crossed her arms. "Which means she's hiding from Giles and Willow."

"Or something else. We don't have all the information."

"We never do. That doesn't mean we drop our lives to find it! Angel," She pulled on his arm making him face her. "You quit being a champion in the fight against evil. Are you quitting on these kids too?"

He shook his head. "I'm coming back."

"You're becoming like her." Her voice grew quiet. "And we know that path doesn't lead good places."

His whole body stilled. "You blame Buffy for the Powers taking Vinny?" His voice sounded deceptively calm.

"You can't abandon your destiny and expect things to work out alright."

"If she'd stayed in Sunnydale, she wouldn't even have Vinny." His brow furrowed in confusion. "She wouldn't have lost him, but she wouldn't have known him."

They stood quietly over his packed bags.

Angel mumbled, "I think he was gonna be left-handed."

"Huh?"

"The way he'd hold onto your fingers," He rubbed his fingers together absently. "his left hand always squeezed just a little bit tighter." His lips smirked slightly. "Kid had a grip. . . he was gonna be a southpaw for sure."

She spoke softly. "It just seems the Powers don't like people changing the script on them." After a short hesitation, she confessed, "I'm scared for you."

Nodding once, he grabbed his bag off the bed. "Don't be." He heard her follow in down the hall. "If something happens to me, the kids will still have somebody." Laughter from Fred and Wesley carried through the halls. He muttered, "They'll have a lot of somebodies."

Angel walked down the stairs towards Groo who after his makeover, looked like an Angel replacement. "You need anything before I go?"

The Groosalugg shook his head. "Your kingdom will be well tended till your return."

Cordelia reached his side. "If she's not there, you'll come right back, right?"

"Of course."

"And if she is . . ."

"Princess," Groo put his arm around her. "A warrior must follow his heart to wherever she flees." With his free hand he picked up hers and brushed his lips across her knuckles.

Angel headed for the door. "I may not be the Powers' champion anymore, but I still recognize my duties to the people I care about." He looked back at the couple. "I learned that from her."

* * *

"Why is everyone set on keeping me out of her life?"Angel stood in the boarded up living room of Buffy's old Sunnydale home. Putting his hands in his pockets, he sighed.

"Look," Faith sat next to Spike on the sofa. "I don't know what happened between you and B, but she doesn't want to hear from you - at least, not now."

"She doesn't know what I have to say."

Spike frowned. "She doesn't care, mate. Your bird left town with naught but a crumb to track her. She doesn't want to hear what any of us have to say."

"She'd want to hear this."

Resting her elbows on her knees, Faith clasped her hands tight. "I'm sorry Angel, but after the big favor she just did us, I can't go doing something I _know _she won't like."

"You both know I would've done the same favor had you asked." He watched her look at her feet "She's family to you. I'm family to her." In a low voice, he pressed, "We're on the same side here."

Spike watched Faith's clenched jaw twitch. "She's happy." Turning to Angel, his tone turned somber, "When I heard the slayer lost her boy . . . " Feeling his throat tighten, Spike shook himself. With sharp intent, he refocused on Angel. "wherever blondie is, whatever she's doing, it's worked a bloody miracle because somehow, she's at rights with this world."

Faith nodded. "If she looked miserable, I'd hand over every scrap." She frowned, "No matter what she said, you wouldn't even have to ask."

"I'm glad she's found some peace, and I not trying to ruin that." He leaned on chair's armrest. "I just need to tell her something."

Spike guessed what that was, "It'll never be over between you. You'll be in love till it kills you both." Spike nodded as he spoke. "You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be done." He frowned. "Love isn't words Angel; it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will." He leaned back. "She knows everything you're feeling because her blood is screaming too."*

Angel's expression firmed. "She deserves to know what I've done."

Faith sighed. "I'll bite. What have you done Angel?"

* * *

Buffy pushed strands of her short blonde hair behind her ear.

Lying on the floor beside her, Sunny watched Vinny gurgle on her lap. "What you thinking about?" He stared at the carpet. "You've been quiet since you got back."

"Wondering if I made the right call. He surprised me."

"Because he took over Sanctuary."

"He's not just helping keep them safe, he opened up his home. He's turning over his whole life because he thought it's what I'd want."

He made Vinny's toy dance in front of him. "It doesn't change things."

"I didn't think so, but maybe it could." Over unfocused eyes, her brow furrowed.

He looked at her. "Anne, no, it couldn't. You know what Lindsey would say."

Kissing the top of Vin's head, she whispered, "I know."

"You can't let seeing him again mess with what's right."

"I learned my lesson." She breathed in the scent of her baby boy. "I can't have everything. I'm just not sure that what's right doesn't include him." She smirked grimly. "He's made staying away feel as wrong as possible."

"You lived with the idea you'd never see Vinny again. You can live with this too."

Reaching down, she covered Sunny hand and squeezed. "If it hadn't been for Angel I wouldn't have made it to this moment."

"And when you left him, you found Vincent. That's the trade-off: Angel for your family's safety."

"I don't know if I can keep trading away someone who loves me as much as he does."

Turning over his hand, Sunny held hers in his palm. "You have to try."

* * *

That night, Buffy walked into her apartment looking like Faith. She flipped the locks on her door as well as the light switch. Pulling off her jacket, she noticed her answering machine blinking.

She pressed play before unzipping her chunky boots.

"Lindsey here, just wanted to say thanks for leaving dinner in the fridge and for watching Vince last minute." She could hear his heavy sigh. "I realize you're trying. I see that. But it's not you I'm worried about. Things happen that neither of us can stop or change."

She imagined him rubbing his forehead. "That's how we got in this situation to begin with. I'm not trying to keep your kid away from you; I'm trying to keep him safe." She nodded at the machine.

"If we can find a way to do that and have you see him more, that'd be- Annie, that's what I want. You're his mom. He needs you. I need you . . . I wanted to make sure you knew that. I'll see you on Thursday. We can talk more then."

She nodded and took off her jacket as the machine clicked to the next message.

"Anne? It's Liam." She frowned. "You didn't want me to have this number and you don't want to hear from me, but I have something to tell you." Her frown deepened. "When you were here, I didn't get a chance, but we need to talk and it can't be over the phone."

She thought that might be the end of the message but the machine didn't click. "Anne, I only got this number after telling her why I needed it. Trust her. Trust me. It's important." His voice turned down low and quiet, "you deserve to know."

Running her hands through her hair, she looked at the blonde wig on the table. She leaned against the wall and slowly slid down. The table with the answering machine loomed next to her. Looking up, she sighed, "You're really not going to make this easy."

She reached up and grabbed the phone from its perch. She stared at the numbers blankly before dialing.

Holding it to her ear, she listened to it ring and ring and "Hello?"

Her breathing grew shallow. "Liam."

"You called."

"Your message didn't leave much choice."

"Does that mean you'll meet me?"

"Not in California." She added, "Nevada's the closest I'll come."

"How about Las Vegas?" Before she could answer, he started to ramble, "I'm just said that because if you maybe wanted to see Lorne too, that's where he is now, Las Vegas."

She nodded to herself. "I guess with his place burned down, he had to go somewhere."

"He couldn't help us with Sanctuary because of - well, the stage makeup excuse wears out."

When she spoke, her voice was soft. "I'd like to see him. But you'll be coming alone, right? No Lilly or anyone."

"Just me."

"Can you meet this weekend-"

"Yes."

She smiled at his hurried reply. "Okay then, I'll see you Friday night?"

Relieved, he sighed, "Yes."

"I didn't give you my phone number."

"Anne-"

"But I'm glad you have it."

"Friday night."

She nodded. "Friday night."

They hung up at the same time. With phone hands, she held the phone between her bent knees. It felt like a foreign object now. It felt like his. As if his voice could somehow transport him there, she sensed his presence lingering in her apartment.

She wanted to believe things could end differently this time. Ever since she found out he was a vampire, she'd wanted him to be the exception to most rules. He wanted that too, but no matter how much they wanted it, it never proved true.

And yet . . . she raged, _Why couldn't she see him this one time and not have it end tragically? Why couldn't she talk to him without being a horrible mother?_

Looking at a framed picture of Lindsey and Vincent, she let all the reasons this was a bad idea press upon her mind.

She whispered, "Why couldn't you leave it at goodbye?"

* * *

**One review of the series said my writing style leaves a lot to readers' imaginations which I understand can be both good and frustrating. **

**For my lovely, devoted readers, I am entirely happy to write one-shots of any scene in the series you would have liked included. It could be from any point in the series and between any characters. Include the request in a review or PM and I will gladly add Buffy's first night out of the hospital with Vin and Angel, Joyce's last conversation with Angel before she died, Spike getting spit up on, or whatever scenes your heart imagines.  
**

* * *

**Some of Spike's lines were paraphrased from his speech in Season 3 of Buffy episode 8, "Lover's walk."**

**Angel's comments about Vinny's dominant hand came from Angel season 3 episode 18 "Double or Nothing."**

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